That Madden-ing attitude

John Madden, the director of last year's hit movie "Shakespearein Love," is not related to the Fox commentator and former Raidercoach.

If, in fact they were related or even the same person, the resultwould be frightening.

Said comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "Could you imagine that Maddendirecting Shakespeare? `OK, this guy's got the tights and then, bam,he fakes being poisoned, and then, boom, boom, she stabs herself.And then, pow, he kills himself . . .'"

The pot calls the kettle black

ESPN college football commentator Beano Cook, during an Internetchat, when asked how it feels to be a thorn in the side of business,with about 750 people glued to their computers instead of beingproductive:

"It could be worse, they all could be watching local news -speaking of a waste of time. Or listening to a pledge drive on PBS."

Hey! Where's the Beef?

Nebraska's expansion franchise in the Indoor ProfessionalFootball League is to be known as the Omaha Beef.

Said Jim Bainbridge of the Colorado Springs Gazette: "And justhow long will it be before some headline writer refers to them as`dead meat?'"

His own worst enemy

Jean Van de Velde, of British Open blow-up fame, on the golfershe'll be facing in the Australian Open this weekend: "The one I'mmost worried about is me."

What if your kid grows up like this?

NBA Commissioner David Stern has called the streaking SacramentoKings the Y2Kings, "the prototype team entering the new millennium."

Chris Webber, Jason Williams . . . all they need now is to signIsaiah Rider and Latrell Sprewell.

He says it's true

The story about Kansas football player Dion Rayford, who gotstuck in a Taco Bell takeout window, reminded Boston Globe columnistWill McDonough of a retired colleague's story.

He was driving home one day and pulled into a drive-through linefor some food. When he got to the window, he told the woman, "I'dlike a cheeseburger, fries and a milkshake."

She looked at him and said, `Sorry, I can't help you." Indignant,our man asked, "Why not?"

She replied evenly, "Because this is a bank."